Subject: Re: Sandman and Foondoggy visit Neal Miyake From: "Neal Miyake" Date: 22 Sep 1997 20:37:51 GMT Message-ID: <01bcc797$6435fc60$322cfdc6@okea> Organization: None Newsgroups: alt.surfing > > SurffOhio wrote: > > >I would like to see a short story done on "Sandman and Foondoggy visit > > >Neal Miyake in Hawaii". Has anyone got any good ideas? > > > > > >Here are a few of mine. > > > > > >Day one. > > > > > >1. Foondoggy gets mugged and the only thing taken are his Airwalks. > > >2. The Sandman touts that he is gonna "clean up" a few locals on the North > > >Shore. > > >3. Sandman is wearing black shorts and gets pantsed by the Hui. > > >4. Foondoggy starts swilling down Jack Daniels at the North Shore > > >Underground bar. After a while they get tired of hearing his "Greg Nole is > > >my uncle stories" and throw him out while he's screaming that Neal is his > > >close friend and they'll be back. > > >5. Neal Miyake is chagrined and begins to lose his memberships to local > > >surf clubs. > > > > > >More contributions? > > > > > >Surff > Nosurfatu wrote: > > Day two. > > > > Foondoggy, Neal and Sandman stop for breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts. Foon > > begins choking on a cruller, and Sandman starts giving him the heimlich > > maneuver, breaking Foon's ribs in the process. Aghast at the "crunch" > > that emanates from Foon's midsection, Sandman drops him suddenly, > > whereupon Foon's head strikes the counter top, knocking him unconscious. > > Sandman stufs a finn in Foons pocket as he lays prostrate, turns to Neal > > and says "okay, lets hit it." > > > > Foondoggy somehow makes it to "Jimmylands" a good while later, and propped > > by crutches, wearing a neckbrace and a gauze turban watches as Neal and > > Sandman tear the place up. He gingerly sits down on the sand and lights > > up a cubano in homage. > > ------------------- > > > > Sorry Foon, in light of your frequent mishaps, I couldn't help myself. > > > > --noSURFatu Foondoggy wrote: > Day three: Dawn Patrol- Foon, Sandman and Neal head off to Neal's secret > spot, (Back Door), and since it is some Hawaiian national Holiday > (Invention of Poi Day) the place is empty because everyone is attending > the various parades and festivals. Back Door is 4' Hawaiian, and they > all tear into the first set like hungry jackals. The session is > punctuated with incredible tunnels and coverups. Then Sandman, unable to > resist aggravating someone, begins to diss Foon about being a sponger. > Foon gets tired of the continuous and amateurish teasing and offers to > meet Sandman out in the lineup on a 7'2" round pintail to show Sandman > he can still standup ride. Neal grabs his camera and water housing and a > roll of 36 Fuji, and heads out to the lineup to document the epic duel. > > Sandman scores the first ride and rates a "10" (of course) on the > Sandman surfmeter. Foon wipes out. Sandman scores another tube nailing > off the lips while doing a handstand, Foon wipes out. Sandman strokes > into a set wave and pops a 360 inverto aerial (in the barrel), Foon > wipes out. Neal of course has this all on film. > > The final wave of the day is a monster. Foon is lined up on the peak and > has priority. Sandman, judging Foon's previous performance, decides to > snake him and does. Foon wipes out. Sandman get the ride of his life and > a standing ovation from the Hui onshore. > Sandman spends an hour signing autographs, Neal spends and hour taking > orders for the pictures, and Foon.......where's Foon!?????? No one has > seen him leave the water. He's gone....probably drown..... lost to the > group forever. > > Two days later Foon's body washes up at Sunset Beach, Battered, broken > and very dead. In the pocket of his cheap cotton shorts the coroner > finds the soggy remnants of the PowerBall winning lottery ticket for 150 > million dollars. Mrs.Foon gets the money and is very pissed off.(Need I > say "Hell hath no fury...") She buys Sandman's company and has him > fired, then she hires a half dozen of the biggest, nastiest Island > Bruddas whose only job, for the rest of their lives will be to shadow > the Sandman and cut him off of every wave he ever tries for. > > The bronze statue of Foon is erected on the beach where he perished. > Back Door is renamed "Donuts" and Neal Miyake makes a fortune selling > pictures of Foondoggy's last ride to surfing rags all over the world. > The shot shows clearly how badly Sandman snaked Foon and he becomes a > leper in the surfing world (not to mention the rest of it). Unable to > take the persecution, Sandman becomes a follower of the Dali Lama and > moves to Tibet, shaves his head and wears a saffron robe. > > Moral of the story: Don't make fun of Foon after he's sold his beach > house and suffered another injury - he can get real pissy. > > -Foon (Forgive me all, its' the painkillers talkin') > One month later: The alt.surfing group is inundated with stories about Foondoggy and the Sandman. The most active threads were: (1) "Leash that 'Doggy"--arguing about whether Foondoggy would've survived if he had worn a leash, (2) "Poetic Justice on the Sand'"--wondering if the Sandman got what he deserved, (3) "It was only 3 feet Hawaiian!"--challenging the East Coast wave measurement of Foon's last ride, (4) "Spongedoggy got his due"--started by VLMXD, putting down all bodyboarders, dead or alive, and (5) "Contests still suck". Rick Ciaccio is so traumatized by the events that he takes up bodyboarding. He proceeds to whip Chad Barba's ass by completing the first triple-axis move, the ARSF (Air-Rollo-Spinner-Flip), off a ten foot death closeout at the Wedge. He still wears Speedos, though. The alt.smokers.cigars newsgroup creates a special cigar in his homage, named the Foonstogie. Made of prime Maryland tobacco, the leaves are processed with Jack Daniels and Krispy Kreme donuts to produce a sweet cigar with a bite. However, no one under 40 is allowed to smoke it. Da Hui are so impressed by Foondoggy's heroics that they create a commemorative Foontrunks. It is black (of course) with red freckles on the side paneling. The waistband is highlighted in brown, signifying the holy donut. Both Surfer and Surfing magazines do cover articles on the life and times of Foondoggy. They expose his home break, which turns out to be so good that all future ESA championships are held there. Airwalks Shoes buy a whole page in each mag with the full wipeout sequence (from Neal), declaring, "Aloha Ilio!"-- Goodbye 'Doggy! Fang does a poignant story on Surfergrrl (http://www.surfergrrl.com/), about despite being a male, Foondoggy had the heart of a true feminist. Of course, Mrs. Foondoggy had trained him well. By the way, the Mrs. also donates $10M to Queens hospital to start a trauma clinic for aging surfers in Haleiwa. Radio keratotamy and half-pipe injuries become the most common treatments. After collecting all my royalties from picture sales of that fateful day, I recently visited the bronze statue of Foondoggy. I go there often, alone, to reflect on life. The statue is stoically overlooking Donuts (renamed from Backdoor), still shiny despite the film of Hawaiian salt encrusting it. An eight foot north swell is coming in, but there is no one out in the early dawn. A triple-strand 12 foot *Kauai* maile lei is draped over Foon's shoulders. As I approach the statue, I notice something different. Someone has placed a worn ballcap on its head with the bold, embroidered words, "Surf Free or Die". Then I see a form turn the corner near the Ehukai Beach Park bathroom. The dude is bald, and wearing a saffron robe, but the thing that caught my eye was his 7 mil booties. Could it have been the Sandman? Nah, must've been my imagination. Anyway, it's time to paddle out so I can write another "Expression Session" report. I didn't ride one for Princess Di, but I'm going to try and snag a nice pit for the Foonster. Now if only I can find my damned leash... A hui hou, (see you later) sponge HI Surf Advisory (http://www.iav.com/~sponge/)